let's call it what it is- cynicism.

i feel hella cynical.

i am cynical towards God,
towards Christianity.

i do not even know how to write this,
because i still believe in
what i feel cynical towards.

i don't want to write this,
because i am not wanting to upset you,
God.

i do not know how to 'be' anymore
in the realm of my understanding of God.
no longer do i fit the parameter of a naive Christian.

no,

i now carry with me disappointment.
disappointment that you did not answer the prayers
i thought you would.
if they are important to me,
wouldn't they be important to you?

weighed down by the confusion of my way of thinking.
the tension between God ordaining every occurence to take place
for a grand purpose to be slowly revealed.
and the concept of free will-
that God orchestrated no actions,
but gave us room to play.

which paradigm am i meant to find
most reasonable?
which path of thinking do i follow?

here is where i find myself.
stuck between two extremes,
trying to find the peace between the paradox.