uneasy.

i do not have anxiety.
yet last night anxiety visited me.
i was worried about
us.

anxiety pointed out to me that i do not
deserve a happy ending.
it reminded me of that,
prodded me with that thought until my composure crumbled
and i collapsed in a pool of my own tears.

maybe this long distance brings this
out in me.
the distance was okay at first.
all i did was miss you.
but then,
i started to doubt.
not my feelings,
but yours.

i felt compelled to peel back every kind word you said to me,
and reinforce it with the anxious thought
that you didn't really mean it.
that you were losing interest in me.

i will be seeing you today.
30% of me is excited to see you.
70% of me is anxious that my worst fears will be confirmed.
that you have begun the slow descent off the mountain of interest in me.

but maybe,
maybe this is our relationship just evening out?
maybe we're moving forward through the butterfly territory,
passing through the heavy showers of kind words.
maybe we are now crossing into the territory
we are meant to build upon.
relationship construction grounds.
not everything is always heart-warming,
but everything is contributing to a strong foundation.

let's hope we can make this work baby.