sore shoulders

 it's hard to believe

that one can live a life

without feeling heavy

all the time.

these days,

i feel heavy

more often than

not.

i'm not sure why sadness follows me,

i just know 

that i wish it didn't

different milestones

 you told me tonight,

that you are celebrating the beautiful milestone

of a 28 year partnership this year.

it's difficult to think that this milestone

neighbours far more grim milestones.

you just lost your lifelong friend

into the arms of cancer.

another close friend had a melanoma escalate

into a brain tumour;

they won't be with us many moons longer.

tonight you told me

that your neighbour's health, 

which has been on a gentle decline the past few years,

is failing at an alarming velocity.

they too, won't be with us many moons longer.

it is difficult to stomach these milestones,

alongside yours.

you are meant to be with me forever.

it paralyses me to think you aren't much older

than these friends of yours. 

this is why i thank God for you almost every day.

you are the best gift i have been given 

on this spinning orb.

as a result my gratitude for you

is a well that will never run dry.

to move through life within your love

has made me the luckiest girl in the world.

this is what i will think about,

instead of the neighbouring milestones.

didn't think i'd be back here.

today i went to the doctors

and left with a prescription for anti-depressants.

that was a request i didn't think i would have to make

again.

i am experiencing the familiar traits of;

not being interested in what used to grip me,

wanting to spend all day in bed,

not being interested in food,

isolating myself from people,

thinking there's something wrong with me and everyone else must be so happy,

self-talk that makes me feel small.

it feels like life takes a lot from me,

but doesn't give much back.

why am i back in depression?

i am meant to be happy;

it is summer time after all.

i just want a happy mental health

i want to be an optimist who only sees possibilities.

i just want to be free.

i am wondering how long it will take

to come out the other side of this season.

i don't think it is fair that i have to go through it a third time.

i think it is time for me to build my home in the land of contentment.

i will start looking at what land is available there.

the corporate world is not my home

 The Corporate World

the corporate world can be awfully draining

at times.

being greeted with a “how are you?”,

whilst the same person that asked walks into another room,

relatively uninterested in receiving a meaningful response.

“fine, thanks for asking”,

you respond to their back as it moves further away.

or how about the chairs we are required to sit in

all day.

they know the expression of my restlessness deeply;

these stoic office chairs don’t cater to freedom very well.

the window catches a lot of wistful looks,

I imagine we all pine to be on the other side of it. 

the quiet clock, 

the wirring computer, 

someone entering the room, only to exit a few minutes later;

all natural sounds from the interior of the corporate world.

emails encase our communication,

email etiquette encapsulates our language: 

Kind regards,

Ngā mihi,

Yours truly.

neatly signed off with a professional and impersonal bow.

i struggle to see our humanity in this;

for it hides behind a uniform veneer.

we adults just live inside a professional world we’ve constructed,

and one day we will welcome our children into the corporate world.

let’s be sure to remind them,

this may be their career

but it’s not their whole life.

i savour the drives home from work,

where i take my hair out of its hold,

and lean back into the nostalgic embrace 

of both the carseat and comfort.

i wriggle into them both and make myself at home.

i savour the long hugs with my sweet,

and listening to him sing in lonely museum rooms.

sharing meaningful conversations in the kitchen.

wearing sweatpants at home,

and practicing volleyball in the park.

i savour the days where i have nowhere i need to be;

the days where i create my own rhythms

with the people i enjoy.

the ones where we can all lie out in the sun,

and be teased by the breeze;

this is the world i savour.

leaning on your shoulder was the best part

 

today i joined you at your church.

you’ve been in attendance here

decade upon decade upon decade.

 

i struggled to connect today at your church,

as i always seem to.

the worship sounds like a visual postcard

of artificially happy times;

reminds me of when the sun gets too hot.

 

today at your church,

it was father’s day.

they preached about the end times instead.

in a day there didn’t need to be fear,

they stirred it to the surface

and invited everyone to drink from it.

 

pastor russell told us when the end times would be.

he bookended the apocalypse;

an event not even the angels know when to book in for.

he didn’t tell us his opinion was buried in his answer,

didn’t he think we would want to be aware of that?

rather he served it on a platter,

and invited everyone to eat from it.

 

but my favourite part of it all was when they invited us

to bow our heads and pray

i leant my head against your shoulder

and i felt at home.

i listened to you whisper ‘amen’ and ‘yes Jesus’ to each

and every line.

 

even though I struggled to connect at your church today,

i still got to share the moment with

you.

deciduous loss

do the trees know when they lose a leaf?
are they aware that they are dismantling?
one leaf after another.
i wonder about deciduous trees,
the kind that lose their green cloak
over a few chilling months
every year.

do they get cold?
do they mind losing their leaves?
do they feel like they too, are falling apart inside?

i don't know how
they do it so gracefully.
how do they stay strong
during a season of loss?

i wish i could handle loss
like
them.

grief

your life goes on without me;
i am still trying to come to terms
with that.